i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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