I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
