Who did Billy Mays play for?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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