Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
