oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
