Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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