Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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