Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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