Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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