I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
