Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
