you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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