no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
