after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
