he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
