You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
