How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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