It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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