Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
