you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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