you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dear god my vagina.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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