she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
