i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
