just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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