Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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