3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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