My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
