I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
