Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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