I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
