I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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