...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
