i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
