Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
