My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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