Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
