my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
