I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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