She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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