can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
