his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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