Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
