if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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