I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Need sex. Gaining weight.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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