Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
