I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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