What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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