and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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