ya dads aren't the best wingmen
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My vagina is officially offended.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
