If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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