I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
